why im not christian anymore.
CW: while this is still written in my casual silly and at times sloppy writing style, I discuss things to do with religion, death, queer-phobia, family tension, etc
So when I was growing up, I was raised vaguely Christian. As far as I could/can tell, my family was not particularly attached to any specific branch or sect of Christianity. I have attended Baptist churches, Methodists, Presbyterian, etc, etc. I’m sure if pressed my family members would have one they prefer, but I don’t like talking to my family, so I guess we’ll never know.
I do know there’s some influences of Catholicism in my family, but yeah, couldn’t say where, exactly.
My conversion was weird, because both my parents and grandparents just kind of, were passively christian at me and around me, and just sort of expected me to follow along, which I probably would have — until, my step-dad came into my life and started fuckin some shit up. He and my mom would bring me to their church on Sundays that I was visiting my mom, which is pretty expected, nothing big there. But one day, one of the ladies who ran the main, like, actual church stuff for the adults, was brought to me and asked me if I had ‘asked Jesus into my heart’ — that’s exactly how she said it, and I remember that, because I had never heard of that, so naturally I said ‘I dunno :|’.
I was 5, maaaaaybe 6.
She took me off to the side and had me do this really awkward prayer with her to ‘ask Jesus into my heart’, and, I gotta be real, I didn’t feel anything. Let me be clear, I very much believed in God, thought he was the shit, loved that guy, and his son was cool too. But I never really experienced that big stuff, like those old people who will like cry at church while singing the hymns, like that always freaked me out because… like… are you okay? why are you crying?? this is church, this shit is boring and the songs suck — oh are you crying cuz youre so bored? damn me too my guy’.
I never got that stuff, but I was God’s biggest hype-man. I told friends about how cool God was, I invited them to church (really, to youth group, cause like we all know regular ass church sucks ass right? so fucking boring and its so long like please I want that stale ass saltine and grape juice which I don’t even like I am starving please-), I was a little Jesus freak, because I genuinely hadn’t really known another way. Like I said, I was indoctrinated before first grade, the few memories I had of a life before God were blurry at best.
Edit: I didn’t know exactly where to put this but for purposes of context, my dad, my main guardian growing up, was not a main perpetrator of my religious exposure, but he was raised on it too so he did somewhat affirm it and allowed others to expose me to it further, but he was probably the least religiously inclined of the immediate family I often spent time with.
My descent out of the church was an interesting process, because to be honest I wasn’t in church for like, any of the church-y reasons. Yeah I was rockin it with the J-Man, but church didn’t feel like a part of that at all. Jesus was perfect so there is no way he was this boring right? So then what the hell could early mornings at a place I don’t like with people I don’t like, have anything to do with him?
No, I went to church for the social aspect. Youth groups were my shit, and tbh, if it weren't for the whole religion thing, I probably would have kept going to churches for that same reason. Youth group was my escape. There was a short time when I actually went to two churches, one had youth group on Tuesdays, the other on Wednesdays. It’s how I lived. I needed friends, I needed consistency, I needed community, and I needed good snacks and fun activities, and Youth Groups had all of that.
The year of two churches (which sounds like a dope movie name or maybe like a Harry Potter book title(fuck JKR)) was also my 6th grade year, I believe that was ages 12–13, and I was just about to discover a lot about myself. First of all, I am queer as hell, (and had a huge crush on a person who I walked to school with everyday, and tbh all these 7 years later I still sometimes wonder how they are doing and where they are) and was starting to notice.
I actually remember the exact moment I fully reconciled with the fact that being gay is in fact, not a bad thing:
I grew up around a lot of very different people, and some of the people who used to babysit me were big Buffy the Vampire Slayer fans. I had a little clip from an episode of Buffy pop into my head. I called one of those old babysitters and asked what it was from. It was a scene from Season 6 Episode 7: Once More With Feeling, the musical episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I tracked it down (it was still on Netflix at the time, rip) and rewatched it.
Spoilers For Buffy The Vampire Slayer Series Ahead
xxxx
I saw that Willow and Tara were… friendly :)
I had heard the term lesbian before in school, and knew what it meant, but never really fully… got it. When my dad got home from work, I asked him, looking slightly uncomfortable, “Are Willow and Tara… like, gay..?”
“Yeah.”
“oh. okay, I guess that’s fine then :)”
and that, I shit you not, is how I got rid of my homophobia. I literally just stopped. I understand it isn’t always that easy for others, but damn I don’t think most have them have tried my technique. Highly recommend it, see results in the time it takes to watch an episode of Buffy.
The next phase of my journey in religion, was comedy.
Disclaimer for this upcoming part, I’m gonna mention a comedian who since discovering him, he has apparently had some serious allegations against him, and as far as I could find, they were credible accusations, so, fuck that guy, and if pirating were legal, which it isn't so I couldn't possibly condone it, I would highly recommend pirating a couple of his specials, if it were legal, that is :).
At this point, I was living an interesting line between my worlds. I at the time identified as bisexual, had loud blue hair, did my best to dress goth on a 7th grader’s budget (bad eyeliner, black lipstick, and like too many necklaces), and my dad was working a lot since we had just moved, and I wasn’t back in school yet. I would go to work with him and sit in a back room, and listen to music or watch YouTube all day. I remember one day, I wanted to find music about being gay, when I realized… I don’t know how to find new music? Music has always just sort of, come to me? I had never had to go looking for it before. So I went on Spotify and typed into the search bar “gay”.
Not realizing Spotify didn’t just have music, but also podcasts and comedy specials, I stumbled across the comic, Jamie Kilstein, and his comedy album, Zombie Jesus. I found him this way because he had a bit where he discussed the Westboro Baptists, and their ‘God Hates F*gs’ campaign. I ended up listening to the whole album, in which he started to make arguments that almost seemed… obvious, in a way. A way that was upsetting — not because they were shaking the foundation of which much of my life stood upon, but because no one before him had brought them up to me.
Before I go on, quick reminder that Jamie Kilstein has had many allegations put against him by multiple women, so unless he has shown substantial improvement in both character and actions, taken full responsibility, apologized to all the victims, and made his career now focus entirely on fighting against men like himself, he does not deserve your money or attention. Everyone has said something worth listening to, and I guess he decided he was done saying stuff worth listening to at a certain point.
Any praise or compliments that I may give him or imply, I want it to be known that they come with the caveat of doing everything listed above or he’s going straight to hell < 3
Anyways :)
For better or for worse, Jamie made me think about the God I was so attached to. He didn’t need to make arguments about how its illogical to believe in something/someone you can’t perceive with any of your senses, or explain to me the scientific method of testing to see if things could be proven true or untrue (all of which are perfectly good points as well). He made one thing, that honestly I think is more important than any of this: If the Judeo-Catholic-Christian-Mormon-Jehovah-Whatever God is real, he is not worth worshiping.
The arguably most worshiped, loved, and up-lifted God there is, is a sorry sack of shit, who treats his ‘children’ terribly, and if he was just some guy, he would be the most toxic ass you knew.
I can already hear the screams: ‘God is perfect!’ ‘God knows best!’
And I hear you, and I get that. You’re wrong.
First of all, God is not perfect, or else we wouldn’t exist in the first place. He would just be content existing and floating in nothingness forever because he’s perfect, so the mere fact that he didn't, and instead made an entire planet, with a very binary system of after-life, one being pure delight and perfection forever, vs literal agonizing, writhing, searing pain, along with complete loneliness and isolation, all based on whether or not you worship him for doing… what again, exactly? Creating you? Do you expect a sandwich to worship you before you eat it? Do you expect your own children to worship you? (if the answer is yes, you are a bad parent and your kids probably hate themselves and possibly you too, get into family therapy and quit that toxic ass shit)
Creating fully autonomous, free-will possessing life forms, just to worship you, and if they don’t you torture them for eternity — meanwhile allowing some of the greatest human atrocities every to occur, ruining and taking the lives of millions of creatures including children for thousands of years — is simply, and unequivocally cruel, disgusting, unfeeling, and uncaring behavior. If that is your God, and your God truly exists, he is not kind, he does not love you, he doesn’t love any of us, or anyone but himself. The whole universe as one giant ego-stroke, and ‘hey maybe get to watch a few hundred wars while we’re at it? That would be cool’.
He has the power to give you eternally perfect happiness now, but he doesn’t. In his eyes, you haven’t earned the chance unless you spend your whole life serving him and worshiping him, and then dying after a long life spent living for someone else. No short-cuts though, suicide is a sin that trumps all else, so you can’t end any amount of suffering you may be in, even if it’s his fault (even though, technically everything is, since he created everything). Also, what about this whole ‘God’s plan’ thing? Do we have free will or don’t we? Is God’s plan what we call ‘fate’? In which case, we don’t actually have free will? Or is God’s plan just incredibly flawed and nothing is going as it should, really, assuming he does care about humans? ’Cause idk if you noticed but the world is kind of falling apart around us.
Basically, your God is either an idiot or cruel beyond comprehension, and I don’t really see the point in worshiping either of those people.
I guess I went off a little bit there, and I wanted to clarify some stuff. If you are Christian or adjacent, but a loving, non-bigoted, progressive person, I don’t hate you or anything like this. Despite the heated tone, I don’t hate anyone for being Christian or anything like that. I truly do get it. There’s security in it. It feels safer. I am not making or posting this to hurt anyone, I truly only want to help. This ‘god’ does not deserve you love and devotion. He has proved himself time and time again unloving, uncaring, and at best, indifferent to all the suffering the human race has experienced and will continue to trudge through. This is why I don’t bother arguing the existence of such a being; because it doesn’t matter. It could not be a less pertinent detail, because real or not, you deserve to live a full your life for yourself and the ones you care about, and no one else. You don’t need all these arbitrary rules to shame yourself into submission for someone.
You deserve to love yourself and your loved ones fully, and maybe you even think that you do already, but as someone who has lived in both worlds — with and without him , and has listened to many others who have as well — it’s very very hard to love anyone fully, when you’re living for God, and once you aren’t living for him, you often unlock new levels of loving others and yourself that you never knew were possible.
I hope you are well, I hope you reflect on your relationships, and I hope you are better off after this ramble than you were before it.
